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Good Morals and High Standards

by Andrew Dempsen

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1.
Born Bloody 05:11
I play the show. I can barely see the microphone. I feel a violence in my blood. My throat feels raw from singing through the alcohol, making my way through the crowd. I down the rest of the fifth in the bathroom stall, then head out in the rain. I think I’m burning down. From the inside out. I hail a cab from the dark night of my soul. Pay in cash, and ride back home alone. Roll the windows down. Let the city in. We’re all born bloody. I’m still bloody. Conscience scarred from the sex and the money. I’m born bloody. Were all born bloody. Conscience scarred from the sex and the money Someone talk to me. Please talk to me. I’m feeling lonelier than ever. I move back in to the same house I grew up in. The same bed and sheets. I make plans to never make it out alive again. Talk to nobody for weeks. Think somethings wrong with me. Really wrong with me. Hello pain, my old friend, my old confidant, I left the key under the mat come in when you want and talk to me somebody talk to me
2.
Church House 05:54
There was a church House, way up in the hills of the mountains As white as a snowy morning Before the plows come through I was a boy then Wide-eyed and bright-eyed and stupid With not idea what I was doing Just wanted somewhere to belong But I saw who Was hiding right behind the curtain Got a front row seat to the circus Saw the people of God I saw a church split Over guitars and a drum kit Heard harsh words from the pulpit Saw the lines being drawn I saw the fights breaking out Between the people and preachers Between the students and teachers Between the men of the cloth I hung my head low Slipped right out of the back row Down the stairs to the side door And wondered around for a while (Or a couple years, I don’t really remember) I lost some friends who I still miss when I think back And some that I’m not really sure have Realized that I’ve gone But I got a hole in me The size of a church in the country The size of a father and family The size of a God I can’t see But I don’t think that God lives in houses Built by men with good morals and high standards There’s so much that I don’t understand There’s so much I may never understand I’m not asking to come back, I’m not even sure if I want that It’s just all of these roads that I walk down Keep leading me right back to you.
3.
These Saints 04:14
Father I don't have much to show for the past few years I've spent out here alone and Father I don't know where to go but the places I've already been And you and I have been on the rocks for a while am I wrong to assume it's my fault we don't talk? Father I can't even keep track of how many times that we've had this same conversation, But Father, I can't seem to reconcile What I believe with what I feel inside And I know the light needs the darkness to shine, but why, does it have to be so dark all the time? I don't know, I am the least of the Saints because I don't believe half of the things that you have said to me If you love me the way that you say you do why won't you take this thorn out of my point of view? Father I'm wrecked. I've got nothing left, to fill up this hungry black hole in my chest But I've been showing up Been singing the hyms Putting band aids on my missing limbs But father I'm stuck and don't know what else to do If I'm honest I know that you hate it too And if I came home After how long I've been gone, would all of my things be packed up or thrown out on the lawn? I am the least of these saints Because I don't believe half of the things that you have said to me.
4.
Floor Boards 03:49
Walking through the valley of the shadow of my former self There’s no-one else for miles around Nowhere I can rest my head tonight You led me to the water but I threw in stones to stir it up Now there’s nothing left to fill my cup to drink And Oh my God, what have I done Sold my birthright for a glass of wine Sometimes I hold it up to my temple like a gun And I don’t know what happened to the box that I had built for you Fortified with platitudes I think I buried it beneath the house That was why I ran away Through the night and through the trees Through the dark and through the leaves And Broke my heart on anything I could You put your arms around me though I kicked until you let me go Cause I would rather be alone Then let somebody love me
5.
Preacher 05:06
Hey, preacher please explain why things have to be this way I don’t think I understand why things like this just “have to happen” Please don’t tell me to have faith, and answers come to those who wait, ‘cause I’ve been waiting patiently, but even know I’m halfway out the door. Hey Preacher please tell me, what it is that you see when you Look at all this suffering, and when you get an answer get at me, ‘cause I’ve been waiting patiently, but even now I’m halfway out the door And I Don’t want to give up yet I still want to believe I still want to believe But you’re making it hard So much harder on me Hey preacher please explain, ‘cause I’ve been losing sleep and faith, and nobody can tell me why everything good has gone away And why I lost my brother to the dark, and his bloods still on my hands and heart, and I’ve been praying fervently, but even now I’m halfway out the door. Just say what you mean, it’s getting hard to read between the the lines and things are marginalized and often mean the opposite of what you think you should I tell someone like me I need somebody to tell me what I should do to keep my faith from seeping out the window while I sleeping, I’m sinking deeper into the ether, i have seasons of faith and seasons of doubt. I feel very doubtful of my faith. I know Jesus doesn't need my vote of confidence. i do. Six pack of brews and i'm in over my head. i miss believing. i'm too easily deceived. I don't sleep well. well, maybe i should have trusted you. who's got my back? these days are lonely like the little prince, who's got his planet. crashing of the surface of a world who has damned itself to hell. hell, i need i minute, take a crash course in apologetics or genetics find a cure for the universe. but i believe in devolution. No solution. everything is breaking down. I have no answers I only have this faith Based on something I believed in when I was only eight and something stuck, and I've been stubborn and I've tried to shrug it off, but i can't disregard it. it's all I have.
6.
Complaining about the distance between the walls in my apartment Cause’ I can never seem to get enough space Wearing tiny little cannons in the carpet Cause’ I can never seem to stay in one place Too busy trying to bottle up the darkness Save it up and profit off the pain But I got so tired of talking bout’ it I decided to never talk again I was writing the perfect cinematic ending Frame the shot and build the scene Keep the subject perfectly in focus Tell a story with the cinematography Que the music, then fade out to blackness And roll the credits slowly cross the screen But keep in kind of open ended And never tell you what it means But oh, my God Oh, my God, Oh my God what does it mean Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God what’s its supposed to mean Who's that knocking at the door What crimes do I blame the devil for And why should I listen to what these shepherds say Are you really who you say you are Cause’ I don’t need a bumper sticker god Maybe we should hash this out If I were strong enough I’d hold you down I would wrestle an angle and break his collar bone Prove me wrong (oh my god) Prove me wrong (oh my god) Prove me wrong (oh my God what’s it supposed to mean)
7.
Sometimes when I’ve reached the end of my rope I am tempted to suddenly, just let go and to fall into nothingness Silently curse God and die And I know what you’re thinking, “boy, get on your knees and repent of these thoughts that you just shouldn’t think” But what if I’m tired tonight, what If I don’t want to try And I tried my best just to pick up my cross, but it’s there in the corner collecting dust while I polish off the last of the memories and wine I listened to the voice of the tempter, I followed him into deserts and winter, but why does his voice sound so much like mine? I reveled in comfort, and courted oblivion, emptied my soul till there was nothing but dust in it, ignored the ache and denied even knowing the light. So many times I feel like Peter the night Jesus died With a gut full of sorrow and a mouth full of lies Judas can’t take it and neither can I I’ve betrayed my beloved so numb I can’t cry Jesus, my Jesus, to hell with my pride, I’m sorry To death, but still fear for my life I don't know where to run I don't know where to hide But I swear I don't know you, swear to God several times But I’ve got all my eggs Hanging on this thread
8.
Miracle 03:52
I’ve always liked this place the way the silence fills the space, it feels a little lonely and little bit like home to me, the way the sunlight’s streaming through the stained glass windows on the pews I feel like I’m alone with you and I can talk to you again. I wish I wasn’t who I am, but what am I to do with that, I wake up in this body every day wether I want to or not. And my wife thinks I’ve got a pretty heart, but it’s hard to see it in the dark, and I’ve been closing all the window shades, for days, and I’ve been losing hope that things can change, cause’ people don’t. They stay the same, and I’ve been the same for so long. [c] I need a miracle. I need a miracle. I need a miracle. I’ve been pushing all my friends away, cause’ I think I’ve started to believe that everything is temporary, and everybody leaves one day, and I’ve burnt some bridges in the past, some I’ve burnt because I had to, some I burnt because it hurt too much to leave them standing. Now, I’m standing here at the edge, wondering what went through my head, the night I lit the match, and sat watching them during down. And if they’re on the other side, listening to the songs I write, and if they know I’m sorry, and I wish I wasn’t so broken, I need a miracle
9.
Sunday 03:20
I woke up on a Sunday Couldn’t remember my name Or the last place I saw it Hope it turns up okay I lay in bed for an hour Counting cracks in my brain Don’t know how they all got there I don’t know who to blame But I feel so worn down That all I can do is pray That the hope I lost Is gonna come find me someday But until then I’ll wait Though I don’t have faith That the ground beneath can even hold my weight. I woke up on a Sunday All covered in shame From forgetting my manners Forgetting how to behave I got tried of pretending I was doing okay Got I tired of expending All this useless energy ‘Cause I feel so worn down That all I can do is pray That the hope I lost Is gonna come find me someday But Until then, I’ll wait Though I don’t have faith That the ground beneath Can even hold my weight, But I’ll wait.
10.
Old Friend 03:48
It has been a long, long time 100 years, or maybe more Or maybe it’s been five or six Im never good at keeping score ‘Cause time it goes oh, so slow, But wait a minute, where’d it go I swear that I just saw it here just A couple seconds ago, oh, no I never told you why I left That night in the freezing cold When all the roads were soaking wet And I don’t know how I made it home And I never told you it was me That left that hole in the wall Next to the bathroom sink I hope it wasn’t hard to fill at all I think you’re a lot like me, Or maybe I’m a lot like you Both do the best we can, To speak our minds, and tell the truth But mostly we just get it wrong And wear our bruises as the proof, oh, no. I know things can never be The same way that they were before But maybe come this Christmas Eve I’ll come nocking at your door And we’ll sing the songs again And hold our lighted candles high And when the night ends we won’t speak But from the street, we’ll wave goodbye Old friends Old Friend Old friend. Oh, dear friend it’s not your fault I left you when things got too hard The wounds If felt from others hands Still make me flinch when I touch yours So give me time, I’ll give you mine, old friend.
11.
Nothing is working I’m spinning again Nothing Is working Look at me now I’m not who I wanted to be I’m breaking my heart But I can’t seem to change a thing Carrying baggage from so many years Why can’t I lay it down So many letters I can’t seem to tear up So many things I can’t put in the ground I don’t know How many drinks do I have to pour in me Before I see it’s not working I can’t change myself Believe me I have tried To pull the darkness out Using kitchen knives To hold my halo up Using duct tape and zip-ties We’re just dirty little kids Running with our scissors Trying to cut a hole big enough to bury All our troubles in it I lay down my hands Palms on the table This is all I’ve got This is all I am As crooked as I get Now you’ve seen the worst The best This is all I am This is all I have But if this means nothing Than I have nothing And I’m gone If Jesus means nothing If Jesus means nothing at all Then I’m gone It’s all I have So come on lets go home Lay down this bullshit All the pain killers All the tourniquets Tear em’ off You don’t need them anymore And I’m talking to myself.
12.
The hole that I once talked about wasn’t in my town Or in my house It was in me And everything that came leaking out Weren’t my friends, weren’t my doubts But all the things that I tried to love And couldn’t love, or did but shouldn’t of. And as time went on, I broke my heart On so many things that I lost count And all the pain, got way too real So I just closed up, so I couldn’t feel Shut my eyes. Shut my heart. Shut the blinds Till the house went dark. But Oh, my God, I still believe you’re good, And I want to love, more like I should But the pain’s too real. I can’t shut it off. I can’t dig in deep and pick up my cross Cause I’m just too tired and I just to beat And I’m just too scared, and I’m just too me You were once All that I had All that I needed Before things went bad. Now I feel So completely lost But I can’t dig in And pick up my cross So carry me Cause’ I can’t walk And I can’t believe even though I want to So carry me Oh carry me Oh carry me Carry me Oh Carry me Oh carry me

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released August 4, 2017

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Andrew Dempsen Spokane, Washington

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